A Gift From The Journey

Gifts From The Journey-Path-Life-Power

I have been watching the news and observing how Congress is behaving.  I have also been observing the different scandals that have been erupting.  It is curious to me because a lot of these scandals are done by those in power.   There has been movement from those that are looking for consensus in the political arena to those that just want power.  

Whether this is personal power, political power, financial power there is something in common with those that are in the pursuit of power.  There is the assumption that "they" hold the answers.  There is also a one up one down position in which the person that is one down is not considered as important or valuable as the person that is on top.  Individuals in power seem to have a disregard for the value of others with a sense of entitlement for themselves.   Their abuses, when publicly exposed, violate the trust of their positions and makes their behavior even more reprehensible.

When public trust is violated there is an outrage of accusations and blame.  It is my guess that those that seek to have private power, over those that they say they love, don't have the public shame but share in the private destruction of those that they have wounded

In my mind, destruction is destruction, whether it is private or public.  Unfortunately, what are we to expect when the social mores of society have shifted to move from what is good for the majority to a psychological frenzy of sharks going after a piece of meat.  The looking for a meaningful existence is somehow devalued.  The only thing that appears to be of value is the carcass of humanity.

What happens to the victor when they realize they have nothing left but the empty shell of humanity.

Gifts From The Journey-Path-Life-Politics

Wouldn't it be great if politics did not exist.  If the underbelly of society, culture,government,jobs and family did not involve the back door working of the game.  Now I say this understanding that it is a dream of mine that will never be realized.  Politics are involved in every aspect of human nature.  It would be naive of me to believe that I just had to be a hard working individual, keep my nose clean and that I would somehow be rewarded for being a good "Girl Scout" .  Alas politics is even in the bedroom you have to be careful of what you say, how you say it, who you say it to and why and even with all of that you will still probably do something wrong.

Maybe politics is just the jocking for position within our primate groups.  We have gone from the physical jocking for power to the mental jocking for power.  It is a way to demonstrate who is on top.  I think that politics, unless you are one of those rare humans that politics is your natural strength, moves us away from being authenticate.  It may also civilize us that by the very nature of political compromise, we must compromise.  So instead of the wild, wild west shoot outs we get together and we cut deals, stab people in the back, all in the name of the common good.

Whether it is gender politics or otherwise known......how to keep a good woman down.....or company politics....should the most qualified person get the job....or....the one that I like....trust....or who will do what I tell them to do.....should get the job.   All politics cause me to be frustrated.   I understand the why but just because I understand the why doesn't mean that I have to like politics.

Oh well, enough of my rant.......let the games begin.

Gifts From The Journey-Path-Life-Three Friends

I have been in a transition this year.  I have three friends that visit me whenever I am in a transition.

Woe is Me, Life Sucks and Why Me Lord.  Now these friends and I have very long conversations with each other.  They are mostly telling me about what not to do or what I can't do or why even try. One of the first signs that they are visiting is that I start losing interest in people, places and things.  Matter fact, the most important thing that they tell me is that I can't let anyone know that they are visiting.

So, I go about my day and my three friends are always waiting for me throughout the day.  Now Woe is Me usually has me feeling quite sorry for myself.  My friend Woe and I talk about the unfairness of life and how others have it so much easier than I.  Why Me Lord continues on the same vein but that friend wails about the unfairness and has a much louder voice.  Life sucks now that is the most dangerous of my three friends because that friend blinds me to the beauty of life and all of its possiblities.  Life Sucks takes me to the dark areas of my life and tells me about all of my failures.  

Now I have had enough transitions in my life so that I should be able to recognize these friends when they show up........but I don't.  They sneak up on me and then one day I realize that they are all sitting in my life.   One of the first things that these friends do is take the pleasure out of life.  Life stops being fun.  My life is full of the distractions of work so it is easy to find myself very busy without even realizing that they are visiting.  Sometimes I start having trouble sleeping because my friends want to keep me up all night. Life Sucks spoils any of the positive thoughts that I have about people, places and things and tells me that I just need my three friends and i don't need anyone else.   My three friends hide behind my facade of efficiency and work.  They keep me busy on the outside, while the inside is in turmoil.

Well you will be happy to know that i have told my three friends that they have to leave my life.  They did not go happily.  They like visiting me but I don't like them.  I have started my new transition and there is not any space in my life for them.  My cocoon has fallen and I am now a new  butterfly.  

 

Gifts From The Journey-Path-Life-Rejection-Refusal

When I was in my summer season of life I interviewed with IBM for a sales position.  One  of the questions that I was asked was "what is the difference between rejection and refusal".   My response was that rejection was something that was personal and refusal was just not wanting what was being offered.  

I think that it is easy to confuse the two in life because both may make you feel bad.  Your self esteem takes a blow.  For a minute, lets take a look at the difference between the two.  If I tell you no and you believe that it is because I don't like you or don't want what you have to offer, what does that really mean.  In business it is mostly a refusal, there can be a lot of reasons or circumstances as to why you were told no.  Sometimes in business it is personal but mostly it just feels personal in business.  If you have ever worked in sales, if you take every "no" as a rejection you will become too sad to even think about selling.  It would bruise your spirit so that the idea of "asking " for the sale would become unbearable.

Now the feeling of rejection is always personal.  The intent of the other person may or may not be personal.  In life, I have had been loved and I have not been able to return that love.  I know that the person may have felt rejected but for me it was a refusal.  I was just saying "no".   It didn't mean that the person wasn't worthy.  Sometimes it was really all about me.  I wasn't ready, the timing wasn't right, the path wasn't clear for me to see us together.  I have also been on the opposite end of the stick where I have loved and the love was not returned.  I felt very rejected.  In retrospect what I realized that the "fit" between that person and myself wasn't there.  Sometimes when I have strong feelings I can become blind to the obvious.  My rational mind goes out the window and I just become emotionally obtuse to the facts.

I have learned, in my life, that everyone gets to say "no".    That someone's "no" may just be what you need to move you to a better path.   I didn't get that job with IBM but I did get a sales job that was a better fit for my lifestyle.   That initial question is something that I have always asked myself, when I am feeling dejected.  I have to remind myself that people have the right to say no and you have the right to determine whether you want to make this an opportunity to grow or do you want to feel sad.  After all it is your life.

Gifts From The Journey-Path-Life-Relationships

I recently had a conversation with someone who told me that finding a man was very difficult.  What I said to her was that finding a man is easy, when you are ready.  The key to that statement is "when you are ready". I have often found that when I am longing for a relationship or when I have thought that I would never be in a relationship again.  It was me that was preventing me from being in a relationship.

Sometimes, my blocking myself came from my own romantic muses of what a "relationship" should look like or what the person should be like.  I would scan my world and there just did not seem to be anyone that fit the bill.  Sometimes, the right person could be sitting in front of me and I could not see them.   If I am being truthful sometimes I just didn't want to put into a relationship the work that it takes to have a good relationship.

I think that I have fallen for the 60 minute fix.  What I mean is that when we watch television or the movies everything gets better or worse in 60 minutes or less.  I think that media view has created a false reality of time and effort.   Relationships are fluid.  They have their exciting phase, boring phase, and they can have a comfortable or uncomfortable phase.  Each phase, brings some new information about me to the surface.  I have learned to allow the phases to flow rather than trying to create a false reality.  The relationships that I have in my head can never stand the "life" reality test.  It reminds me of that old movie  "Ten" when he finally got the woman it just wasn't as great as it was in his head.  

So, let me go back to my original premise.....finding a relationship is easy.   Let me add to my original thought......doing the work.....is not so easy.  Sooner or later the person will fall off of their pedestal and the real work of the relationship begins.  The work of being in a relationship starts from the point of failure of your dreams and can you stay in spite of your dreams.  If not, you move from relationship to relationship ever seeking the dream.

Gifts From The Journey-Path-Life-Movement

In observing my life and the life of others I have found one thing to be consistent.  Those that fall down and get up have success in life.  Having periods of your life where "life sucks", you get "knocked to your knees" or simply life is not fun.....is a given.   If you breathe one day you will experience the "down side" of life.

In my life when I have had my "down side"  my first position has always been....well almost always.....is to feel sorry for myself.  I have spent much of life waiting for my "prince" to come and rescue me.  I know better but I put that hope with the same hope that I have in winning the lottery.  Not probable but .....maybe.... possible.  So when I am prostrate....I want to be rescued.  Yes, Yes, I know....I am a smart woman and I should know better....but wait....I read all of the fairy tales when I was a girl...there has to a prince out there that wants to rescue me from the vicissitude's of life.    NOT......oh well so I decided I would settle for the next best thing.

I would learn how to get up and rescue myself.  It is not as much fun, but it is necessary, if I wanted to stop feeling sorry for myself and move forward.  So I learned, during my spring season, that those that have the most success in life are those that have the ability to get back up and get back into the game of life.  Sometimes there will be a new path, a new man, a new city and sometimes it is just the polishing up of your old life.  Whichever path you take, it takes the first step of saying "I am not done" and "I will stand".  When I have made that commitment to myself, my life gets better and  I stay connected to life.

In staying connected to life you get to experience the "good times" that life will bring.  The good times are always waiting for us despite our belief that this is where life will stop....it does not....if you rise  and stand...to live again. 

 

Gifts From The Journey-Path-Life-Support

I have often heard the phrase "I am here to support you",   Sometimes when I have heard that phrase at work it is really a disguised term that means, "Just do as I say",  How often in life do we really have sincere, genuine support.  Especially at work.  A lot of times the support that we do get is really to help us support the company objective, not our own.

In relationships, support can sometimes be more opaque.  When you are on a diet and your mate brings your favorite chocolate......hmmmm......is that support?    It is often hard to support someone else when their goal conflicts with our dream.  So if you like the curves on your mate and they have decided that they don't want them if may be hard to be "truly" supportive.  

Their new goal may mean a change in the relationship.  A change in the direction of the relationship and sometimes an end to the relationship.  I have witnessed supportive relationships.  The people involved usually have a strong sense of inner security.  They are the cheer leaders for the other person.  You can see the pride that they have when the person does well.  I believe those types of relationships should be treasured because they are rare.  

I am bemused when I hear the phrase..."I support you"  when that phrase is sincere I am honored. 

 

Gifts From The Journey-Path-Life-Meaning

I know, I know, you may think that I am writing about the Meaning of Life.  Nope I am actually writing about the Meaning of Words.  I am struck by how often we use words and how the meaning of those words is so individual that it almost guarantees communication problems.

Let me give you an example....in my line of work there is a phrase "best interest of the child" now this phrase is used and misused frequently.  There is no clear definition of what is "best interest of the child".  If you were to line up 5 people each person would have a different meaning for those words.   So, everyone waves their banner and states that they have "best interest of the child" in mind.  Now my position is that no one has appointment me God with a little "g".  I can't take a future look and be sure that any decision that I make is the perfect decision or even the right decision.  I approach this issue more from the position that when in doubt follow the law.  This phrase is so subjective that it polarizes people and causes more problems than it creates solutions.

Another word that always puzzles me is "nice" what is "nice" to you may not be "nice" to me.  I have heard this phrase used to describe someone.  I have met someone that is "nice" and what they really were was "fake".   When someone is looking for the words to describe who they want romantically in their life "nice" is often part of the list.  Sometimes I think they mean kind, or loyal or honest.  Maybe all of those ingredients are just part of their world view of "nice".

So much for my musings about words.  I think that the English language does not have enough nuance words so we just use general words to describe a broad spectrum of feelings.   Like .......Love....I think I will stop on that last word.    

Gifts From The Journey-Path-Life-To Honor

I had some sad news today.  I heard of the recent death of a former client.  In my line of work sadness is part of my journey.  I don't want to remember the sadness of today but I would like to honor my client.  My client had a kind heart and spirit.   My client also had a troubled mind.  Often, is is very easy to forget the humanity of a person when you are dealing with the problems of their life.  This client had a great sense of humor and it was their honesty that always got them into trouble.  

Unlike more functional individuals who can figure out when to lie and what not to say, this person just would say what was the first thing that popped into their head.  Sometimes it was not in their best interest to be so honest.  Honesty is not always rewarded or understood.  In my line of work there is a lot of time spent with the "concepts" of people.  The world of pathology is often live and well.  When that is the primary measuring stick often the client loses.  They lose because there are very few people that actually can fit into any given concept.

This person once sent me a thank you note.  I am smiling when I think of how surprised I was when I received the note.  What is sad is why the note was sent.  It was just an act of courtesy on my part.  Nothing all that meaningful to me but it meant the world to them.  I had an interview with them and I was having lunch so I brought them some of the same food since this was a working lunch.  In my world you don't eat in front of someone without providing them some food.   In the note I was told that no one had ever been that kind to them.  They had been in the CPS system since they were 13 years old.  When I met the person they were in their 40's.  It is hard for me to imagine that no one in all of that time had not just been polite.

This person was one of my favorite clients.  They were challenging, difficult on a good day, with an amazing sense of humor.  So, for me, they were not just a troubled mind but a living vibrant person.  I hope that the peace that they did not find in life they have now found.  Thank you for having brought your humanity into my life.  

Gifts From The Journey-Path-Life-Finding Wisdom

I think of wisdom as the gift that comes after the storm.  If you learn from your mistakes, by acknowledging that you have made a mistake you can gain wisdom.  You can learn how not to make that mistake again but you have learned the consequences of your mistakes.  Sometimes I have been told that I am wise my response is "I have been through enough sh...., I should be wise".  I didn't fill in the blanks because I know that some readers are appalled by the "manure" of life.   Well back to wisdom....I have noticed that those individuals in life that have a need for perfection usually do not become wise.

I have pondered that idea and I have mused that when you are in pursuit of an unattainable goal you have missed the first step to wisdom.  No one is perfect.....no one can be perfect......perfection is a waste of life force and energy.   Now before anyone decides to stone me for saying that perfection is a waste of time let me give you another reason to stone me.....control is also a waste of time.  For me wisdom is about seeing what is "real" versus "pretend".   Wisdom involves taking risks including the risk of failure.  Wisdom understands that life is fluid and even though we may control aspects of our life controlling life itself is like grasping at "fog" and thinking that you can carry it around in your pocket.

Wisdom is earned.  It is earned by surviving the trials and tribulations of life and "still standing".  It is earned by understanding not what you know but what you need to learn.  Then reaching out to the people that can help you learn.  Wisdom is not about age.  I have met more than one person in their winter season who has been in pursuit of the same "one note" life for their entire lifetime.  There are those in life that can become wise early in life because they pay attention.  There are those that never become wise because they live life like an ostrich whose head is always in the sand.  They never see, question or wonder.  

So wisdom is part of our path if you decide to reach out and take the opportunity to grow.