Picture is Bali April 2019
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Welcome to Conversation with Katherine and my podcast Buying g the downside.
When you meet someone for the first time and your eyes lock and feel that spark, you climb on your emotional fence and say "Hmmmmmm). The difference between the upside and the downside is not the feeling. The difference is asking yourself some questions before you leap. Now you can still leap fairly quickly if you have learned some assessment skills.
In my life, I have built an emotional fence that allows me some distance to be able to gain some perspective. Now I will be the first to admit that when that great feeling hits, it is very hard to have perspective. Some perspective is better than no perspective. So what do I mean? Try to look at the person from their point of view and not your point of view.
This is very important for two reason: 1. You don't muddy your emotional waters with your fantasy: and 2 people don't change that much, and knowing what that person is may lower your expectations. One thing that women have always been accused of more so than men, is entering a relationship with the idea that they are going to change the person. Stop doing that. People do change in relationships but not because of some great plan by one person. People change in relationships because with time all people change. It may or may not have anything to do with the relationship. It may take a long time for change to happen.
Fantasy is great. I myself have glorious thoughts about winning the lottery and building my dream home. This can be a great escape from the momentary humdrum of life but fantasy is not life. If you make your life about fantasy, you may not have a fulfilling life. When I talk about fantasy, I do not talk about dreams-the difference is subtle, but they are different.
When you make an assessment of the person and of yourself, you get to decide whether you can really handle the relationship, the person, the problems. The upside becomes the gravy in the relationship rather than becoming the relationship.
Someone once told me that in a relations, you need different pods in a lake. You use these pods to move to when the relationship changes because you may not always love the person but you can jump to the pod of respect, friendship and like. These pods give you resting stops for you and the relationship to regroup. Buying the downside is looking at those pods and taking a moment (for you romantics, not a long moment) to make an assessment in the moment of the great spark.
What was I thinking then? What am I thinking 2019
When I was observing how people moved around in their romantic escapades those that made a buying the downside decisions had more realistic expectations of the relationships. They were realistic about themselves and about "The Who" the other person was in their current life. They were not surprised or appalled that the person had habits or personality traits that needed to be changed. There was an acceptance that was missing in those that were Buying the Upside of a person. Whether this was fueled by a pragmatic perspective it allowed the person to enter into the relationship with a different set of options.
What do I think 2019
Leaving the romantic fantasy of the ideal person is hard. It is a narrative that as a young woman I grew up thinking about how romance was the "core" of the relationship. I have been exposed to other cultures that do not have this same romantic notion. There are cultures where marriage is a joining of families not individuals. Within a committed relationship there are different expectations which in turn have different results. These cultures may look at the romantic perspective and consider it a selfish way to enter a relationship. Being happy may not be the outcome of this narrative but being responsible to the roles and functions of the relationship are more important.
Falling in love may never enter the equation. If a person is doing their duty and keeping the commitments that have been made to both families that is their version of Buying the Upside. Having been exposed to a different cultural narrative has made me become more pragmatic within my own personal narrative. I don't always see being happy as the most important facet of a relationship. I look at relationship as having three parts, two "I's" and one "We". I think of the sacrifice that is necessary to make any relationship work. When a relationship starts they are two individuals that have merged.
Sometimes the sacrifice is that one or both of the individuals may have to change aspects of themselves for the collective "we". Sometimes the collective "we" has to sacrifice for the one or both individuals "I". The navigation of a relationship is difficult when there is not commitment to the success of the relationship. The cultural romantic narrative looks at the commitment to the individual finding their "Soul Mate". What happens when your "Soul Mate" does not meet your expectations. Within the romantic narrative you look for a different "Soul Mate". What if they just needed time too mature or perspective to see your value and their own value within the relationship context.
The cultural narrative of low romantic expectations and high role and function behavior gives a person time to acquire a tolerance and acceptance for their partner.
Buying the Downside has it advantages from a pragmatic perspective. Is that enough for you? Do you long for the romance and will not settle for anything or anyone that does not make you feel good? Are you stuck in a fantasy version of relationships?
Thank you for listening to Conversation With Katherine podcast. Please feel free to stop by my website conversationwithkatherine.com and leave a comment about this podcast. Buying the downside. Have a great day and have a great conversation in your life about. Buying the Downside.