Welcome to Conversation With Katherine and my podcast Value VS Desirability
There are so many different narratives that affect our individual and collective journey. One of the main factors in determining our direction is the understanding of the difference between value and desirability. Let me first define what I mean when I use the word value. It is self-worth and self direction. I have found different people look at value differently depending on whether they have an internal locus of control or external locus of control they will arrive at different definitions and different directions.
Now, I have used some fancy words internal and external locus of control simply describe "who is in charge of your life" Do you take individual responsibility for determining your self worth and thereby determine your value? Or do others determine your self worth and value? This might seem like this is a simple process. It is not. There are many cultures where an individual does not determine their value. The community determines their value and sometimes the direction of their journey. When I ask the question "What Is Your Value" from someone who comes from a community based narrative, I generally get a blank stare. The idea of an individual determing their own value does not compute.
When I was in my twenties and older woman gave me a piece of advice. "Never let a man determine your value you may not like who you become." That advice had a profound impact on my life and the direction of my journey. She went on to say....a man will tell you to lose ten pounds, another man will tell you to gain twenty pounds, it is up to you to determine who you are and what you want to look like. I developed a value plan for myself shortly after she told me her idea. I did not call it an internal locus of control but I did decide to take charge of my life.
When you have an internal value sense you take on the responsibility of setting the course of your life. You make decisions about not just the trajectory of your life but the people that you allow in your life. If your life has value to you it is easier to set the tone of what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior that you will allow. For those of you that are nodding your head in silent agreement. You have often wonder how and why don't people get this idea and practice being responsible, I will give you an answer. It is not easy to do.
Look at our world filled with information, comparisons, negging, with various mirrors for us to reflect back the value that others give us. There are new words for people that determine what is valuable, influencers who have thousands and sometimes millions of followers. The fear of missing out becomes a definable "thing". It has become part of the cultural lexicon that creates a world of normalcy. All of this can confuse and depending on what season of life you are in, can direct your journey.
I am now going to add the word desirability to the mix of value. It is my observation that these two words can get mixed up and get mashed together. Lets look at how they may be different. If a man is a misogynist he does not like or value women. He does desire women. My guess would be that he does not treat his women very well and negging may be one of his manipulations. Negging is the deliberate preying on someone by attempting to undermine their self worth and confidence with back handed negative statements. Negging works if a person does not have a sense of value. Negging works because it plays into the negative narrative that the person has internalized. Negging does not work if a person has a positive sense of their personal value.
A person can desire a person and not value or even see their humanity. When I was younger I used to wish I could make "my girls" talk when a man was talking to them rather than to me. I always imagine they would say, LooK up hello I am here? Sometimes a person can value your role and function and not desire you as a person. Think of a person in a relationship that is a provider. The other person may enjoy the benefits of having a provider but not desire having an emotional or sexual relationship. If the the person that is the provider starts to feel that they are being not appreciated or believe they are only as good as their role they may not value themselves.
I have sometimes been told that "he/she picked me". What does that tell me about the person's mindset? Do they think they are not a part of the selection process? Do they think because they were picked it absolves them of problems in the relationship? Did they make the assumption because they were desired by someone, therefore they are valued? If I ask some follow up questions I generally would be talking to a person that has an external locus of control. They only can see their value through the reflection of someone else's mirror.
Imagine you get all dressed up and you are looking in the mirror. What do you say to yourself? Can you acknowledge oh don't I look cute. Or does someone have to confirm what you dare not say to yourself? Question If your value and desirability is always determine by an "other" do you become hostage to their opinion of you?
Sometimes another's personal opinion is masquerading as a fact in your mind. Think of opinions people have, you should lose weight, you should gain weight, you should smile, you should be serious. Notice the should word. They are shoulding you be careful, you have just discover someone who thinks their opinions are facts. These opinions are about value and desirability they are not facts unless you allow them to become facts in your narrative.
Is value more important than being desired? I know that when I thought about what the wise woman told me years ago it changed my trajectory of how I expected and would allow myself to be treated. I did not pay as much attention to the opinion of others because I had my own North Star that was my guide. I understood my value and I was able to recognize when a person might desire me but did not value me. So question, what is your value, do you confuse being desired with being valued.
Thank you for listening to Conversation With Katherine and my podcast Value versus desirability. Have a great day in your life and a great conversation about Value versus desirability.