Bali 2019 Batek Factory
Welcome to Conversation With Katherine and my podcast Working On A Relationship
I recently had a conversation with someone who told me that finding a man was very difficult. What I said to her was that finding a man is easy, when you are ready. The key to that statement is "when you are ready". I have often found that when I am longing for a relationship or when I have thought that I would never be in a relationship again. It was me that was preventing me from being in a relationship.
Sometimes, my blocking myself came from my own romantic muses of what a "relationship" should look like or what the person should be like. I would scan my world and there just did not seem to be anyone that fit the bill. Sometimes, the right person could be sitting in front of me and I could not see them. If I am being truthful sometimes I just didn't want to do the work that it takes to have a good relationship.
I think that I have fallen for the 60 minute fix. What I mean is that when we watch television or the movies everything gets better or worse in 60 minutes or less. I think that media view has created a false reality of time and effort. Relationships are fluid. They have their exciting phase, boring phase, and they can have a comfortable or uncomfortable phase. Each phase, brings some new information about me to the surface. I have learned to allow the phases to flow rather than trying to create a false reality. The relationships that I have in my head can never stand the "life" reality test. It reminds me of that old movie "Ten" when he finally got the woman it just wasn't as great as it was in his head.
So, let me go back to my original premise.....finding a relationship is easy. Let me add to my original thought......doing the work.....is not so easy. Sooner or later the person will fall off of their pedestal and the real work of the relationship begins. The work of being in a relationship starts from the point of failure of your dreams and can you stay in spite of your dreams. If not, you move from relationship to relationship ever seeking the dream.
What was I thinking then 2011
In my travels in my life many of my travels have started as musing about "What" and "How". I don't often muse about the "Why". I find the "Why" a little to circular with answers being found in the "What" am I doing. During that phase I was coming to terms with the muse that relationships don't always follow a structured process. The path of unhappiness, at some point in time, will arrive in most relationships. What do I do when the "fail point" arrives in my life. I used to have a saying. how do I spell relief. "GONE". The cultural narrative of romantic relationships infers that you don't have to stay and be unhappy. There is the magical person out there that can and will make you happy.
During that time I began to muse about the magical experience of a "perfect relationship" and more important how I could have one. I went through my mental list of all of the failures that were present in my life. I thought, with a sense of hopelessness, that things would never improve. I felt sorry for myself and my woe as me group came happily to rescue me. The mantra of that group is "Woe is Me", "Life Sucks" "Why Me Lord".
We sat on our collective pity pot and mused about the unfairness of life. I suddenly had an epiphany and I got up and started to create a new narrative about relationships. It started with my reframing the idea of romantic happiness. I started to become more aware of the reality of choices and how my choices were influencing my happiness and my unhappiness. I began to realize it wasn't just the relationship but my expectations of what I thought should and should not be happening in the relationship.
I did a mental inventory and recognized my own behavioral patterns that made my emotional narrative so painful. I recognized the ease of getting in and out of relationships as soon as the road became bumpy. I also finally unerdstood my own intolerance for discomfort. Now this ephiany did not happen quickly but evolved over weeks of time. In the end, I began to see my part and I decided to change.
What do I think now. 2019
My emotional evolution has taken me to the idea that there is a certain amount of trials in relationships in general. The type of trials and the individual tolerance for those trials is unique to the relationship. The what goes on behind closed doors is an aspect that others who are observing the relationship may not understand or agree with, if it was their relationship.
I understand that whatever the upside or downside of any relationship it is about the spoken and unspoken agreements that the people share. My simple musing concluded that their is manure in relationships you have to decide if it is a rat turd or elephant manure. They require different levels of cleaning up and tolerance. Just think a rat turd you might not even see and an elephant you will need a shovel and a large garbage pan to clean up the mess.
It kinda of boils down to where in the continum does your problem in the relationship reside. Do you need a pooper scooper or a shovel to clean up the mess. Question: What is your tolerance for being uncomfortable? Where is the "fail point" in your relationship? Do you make the "fail point" about you or is it the fault of the other person? Does the person have the skill set to meet your expectations?
The answer to those questions may give you a perspective of what would be your best path. Thank you for listening to Conversations With Katherine and my podcast. Working On Relationships Feel free to visit my website Conversation With Katherine.Com